This may seem unnecessarily harsh, but in all likelihood, whatever pain or suffering you are currently experiencing, it has lingered only because you have given it comfortable accommodations.
Pain and its dreary sister, Discomfort, are usually triggered and initiated by others outside of ourselves. We humans haven’t the influence nor the right to dictate or control the actions of others, and to attempt to fit the universe and its many unpredictable henchmen with reigns and a bit is nothing short of lunacy.
While that foremost taste of bitterness cannot be controlled or helped, the flavor will only last for as long as you continue to suck the hard candy that is victim-hood. Unless you intentionally eject the blackness that seeks to conquer you, it will place a shadow around your heart and a covering over your eyes.
My body, for a few years now, has been affected by a chronic autoimmune illness. Rest is of the utmost importance, otherwise my condition will flare up and become unbearable.
I am currently traveling throughout a land that I have always desired to experience, and the past few days have been wondrous as well as tedious. The sight-seeing and public engagements have not ceased and my body has been wailing for repose, which I foolishly denied.
I denied my body rest, despite being consciously aware that it has been shutting down and if I continue in this manner it will ultimately lose its ability to function, simply because I felt too uneasy about establishing my boundaries and utilizing that dreaded two letter word.
My Godparents, who have ample connections due to their line of work, had set up a meeting for me with a few distinctive individuals in the hopes of strengthening my probability of reaching certain goals and satisfying particular ambitions.
Whilst I was so incredibly grateful for the opportunity, the pain humming throughout my body was a clear sign that as rare as such an opportunity as this was, I needed to give my body what it has been asking for.
I had prepared my little speech and boldly announced that I could not take advantage of this rare and highly exclusive chance to have a seat at the table with this collection of life-altering individuals.
The response I received was stern and layered with the suggestion that I was either ungrateful or too immature to fully grasp the significance of this meeting.
My ego was bruised, my sensitivity roused, and old programming resurfaced, so I relented.
My body felt broken, every step was excruciating, my mood turned sour.
I was bitter, angry, and frustrated. Not with my Godparents, but with myself.
I had refused to give my body what it required.
I chose the pain.
If I were more evolved in my self improvement journey, perhaps I could have heeded the cries of my physical form with ease, but I am not yet comfortable with fully committing to putting myself and my needs first, so I chose pain.
I chose to suffer.
This realization, this understanding of what I had done to myself lit such a frightful fire within me.
I demanded to know why I had decided to punish my body, this body that does so much for me despite its limitations and aches?
Why was I so bothered by the opinions of others that I opted for self harm, as opposed to recuperation?
What is deficient in me, that I would rather self destruct than heal?
Could it be the fear of losing support, or perhaps the over inflation of the value of the thoughts of others?
I wish to be stronger, to be bolder, to feel no hesitation or regret when I make choices that I know are to my benefit.
I desire to love myself so fully and so deeply that I no longer need the validation of others, whether these “others” have my best interest in mind or not.
It is I that knows what my body needs.
It is I that knows what my heart craves.
It is I that knows what my soul whispers.
It is only foolishness and immaturity to expect anyone other than yourself to truly know what you need, and then deliver.
You must listen to the many layers of your being and decide for yourself what is lacking or needed, what must be addressed and what must be let go, what must be felt and what must be processed, and then you must plant your feet firmly and obstinately in the ground and do what must be done.
If a certain level of bravery and boldness is not built up, and an exceptional degree of self love and appreciation not established, your body, mind, and soul will forever be in pain, and the worst class of pain at that- self inflicted.
To be callous or insensitive is never my intention. I do not seek to diminish my pain, nor the pain and hardships of others. I understand what it is like to be trapped within a loop. I am still entangled within several loops, loops that I have not yet mustered the courage to free myself from.
I comprehend to the fullest extent how pain can make one feel hopeless and incapable.
I know what it feels like to be so crippled and stiffened by the intensity of pain that you surrender, because how can such an extreme and debilitating experience be surmountable?
Life has a way of making us feel that the concept of choices is an illusion or a childhood fantasy, but I promise that you and I both have free will, and Source agrees.
All humans, men and women alike, homosexuals and heterosexuals, Muslims, Jews, and Christians, we are all the Chosen Ones. Every person, every soul is a member of this elite and privileged clan that is the human race.
God chose to create us different from the animals, from the angels, from the spirits, from all the things meticulously and purposely placed upon this rotating sphere to serve us.
We were fashioned to a unique perfection to possess minds and logic with which to come to various conclusions and decisions.
To make choices is to be human.
To chisel out our own individual paths and to plan out and execute our actions is what it is to be a person.
You and I are not beasts, created and designed to follow the same routine for the entirety of our existence, no we are more than that, greater than that.
I beseech both my readers, as well as myself to employ our God given gift of free will more frequently.
Let us experiment and see where belief in individual choice leads us.
From this day forward I will integrate this mighty lesson and all that I do shall be purposeful and true to my healing and advancement.
I choose to only feel the necessary pain, the pain that has been stored in my body due to trapped trauma and rage, this I choose to feel because I choose to grow.
Any other pain, any form of suffering that is needless, I simply refuse to give in to.
I claim my undeniable right to choose, and I choose to demonstrate to myself the genuineness of my love and devotion to Self.
The era of self flagellation has come to an abrupt end and we are reborn.
300.jpg)
Comments
Post a Comment